How To Find A Marriage Therapist: Questions You Should Ask
Are you thinking about seeking marital therapy for your marriage? Beware! Studies have shown almost
50% of couples in
therapy end up divorced. Only 10
to 20% of couples who go to therapy see any
significant help from counseling. This is
a major indictment on therapy, and one that
has not been addressed!
The problem is not that there aren’t skilled
marital therapists. The problem is there are too many therapists offering
marital therapy that should not. If you decide to use a therapist to help you
heal your relationship, you should be careful. Don’t go in unprepared. Many
people spend less time choosing a therapist than choosing someone to fix their
roof!
There are some questions I think you should ask of any therapist. So, here, I will focus on the questions you may want to
ask:
- “Do you have specialized training
in marriage counseling?” You’d be amazed on how many therapists see couples, but
have never been trained to do so. The vast majority of therapists are trained in
individual therapy models. Many ideas in individual therapy models are
destructive in marital therapy.
- “How much of your work is with
couples?” Someone who spends a great deal of time with couples is likely to be
better at it than someone who sees a few couples each week. Therapists tend to
spend their time with the type of clients with whom they are comfortable and
successful. However, therapists are also likely to see clients they are less
comfortable with, but who help pay the bills (that’s not cynicism, just
reality).
- “When working with a couple, do
you see us together or separately?” I don’t see this as an absolute, but I think
the vast majority of sessions should be with both of the spouses together.
Sometimes, it is useful to see one or the other to help get past a block.
However, there are a couple of risks of spending too much time with one or the
other: First, therapists are humans; like it or not, they will be swayed by the
views of whomever they spend the most time. Second, one or the other may
perceive a coalition, even if it is not there. And third, if a therapist hears
something that one cannot say to the other, then the therapist is in a difficult
position: keeping a secret or violating something said in
confidence.
- “Who is your client when you are
seeing a couple?” Correct answer: the relationship (or some very similar
answer). Any other answer indicates that the individual(s) will be the client.
This is a problem. The question of who the client is creates the frame for what
will be addressed and what will be preserved. So, if the individual is the
client, the client’s happiness will be of paramount importance. If the
relationship is the client, then success is based on the success of the
relationship.
- “How successful are you in helping
couples stay together?” They probably won’t have the statistics, but they will
give you some information that is helpful. For example, they will begin to tell
you their definition of success: helping people divorce with minimal damage (not
a good answer), helping each find happiness (not a good answer), I hang in there
until we get somewhere in the relationship (a good answer), etc. You want to
hear something about success being defined as couples staying together,
relationships saved.
- “When do you tell a couple to call
it quits?” There shouldn’t be many reasons to call it quits, on the therapist’s
part. If they answer “affair” or “when the other wants a divorce,” keep moving.
In my opinion, if the couple comes to my office, they are there to save the
relationship. Barring abuse in the relationship, I opt to stick it out until the
couple decides they will not continue.
As you can tell, you are looking
for someone who will be an ally of the marriage. You want someone who is willing
to be straight with both of you, and one that will keep pushing you to move
toward health. You also want someone who has been down that road with many
couples before, and someone who has been trained to walk that
path.
Choose carefully. Often, the therapist holds a fragile relationship
in the palm of his or her hand. Mistakes can destroy a relationship that may
have otherwise survived. A good therapist is an asset. A bad therapist is
destructive.
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